Understanding the Grieving Process

Sadly, losing a loved one is an experience almost everyone endures at one point or another. And when we do, even the strong at heart have a difficult time coming to terms with this reality. Clearly, it can be painful to look inward and think about our grief and how we’re managing our feelings. However, understanding the stages of grief can be an important part of the path to healing. 

While grief can be different for everyone, you will likely experience some or all of the typical stages of grief. It’s important to recognize them in order to recover. In this article, we’ll identify the 9 stages of grief, and discuss what you can do to grieve in a healthy and constructive way. 

1. Shock/Denial:

What’s happening? 

Typically, shock and denial presents itself in the days immediately following an the passing of a loved one. In this stage, the mind elicits a protective response to traumatic events. One might feel numb, presenting almost no tears and emotions. This is accompanied by disbelief wherein you might deny reality for a short period of time. This is very normal. 

What can you do? 

Grief can be very isolating, but it is important to reach out to trusted loved ones for support. If you need some space that is fine  Let people know exactly what you need. Sticking to a routine that is familiar is important.  Maintaining you own self-care and ensuring your basic needs are met are vital.

2. Disorganization: 

What’s happening? 

As denial fades and the reality of a traumatic event sets in, you might begin to feel “checked-out” from the ordinary processes of life. You may become fixated on the loss and abandon routines such as housekeeping, paying bills, and typical social activities.  

What can you do? 

Continue to seek out natural systems of support- family, friends, or a church community. Speak about your loss on your own terms. OIt is okay to seek out social interaction without the burden of explaining your grief. Sometimes it is too overwhelming to discuss your loss.  

3. Anger: 

What’s happening? 

This stage is expressed through a feeling of resentment or hopelessness. Anger associated with grief is not often expressed through outbursts of emotion. Instead, you’ll notice a consistently agitated demeanor.  It is normal to feel hurt and frustrated, and you may misdirect that anger towards those around you. 

What can you do? 

Ask for space or seek out trusted others in order to safely express your emotions. Don’t be worried if your frustration is out of the ordinary.  This is a natural psychological response to the grief you are experiencing. Asking for patience is important.  Explain to others this intense anger and distress will pass with time.

 4. Guilt and Bargaining:

What’s happening? 

Guilt and bargaining can often coincide with the “anger” stage of grief. This stage is often referred to as the period of “if only’s.” Those experiencing guilt and bargaining will often try to put the blame on themselves and others, arguing that “if only we had done this…. Then that would not have happened.” Making appeals to religion is normal, and you may find yourself asking God to bring a loved one back or attempt to bargain with God.

What can you do? 

In this scenario, it might be good to find support from a therapist or other respected third party. Therapists like those at WellQor can help you understand the reality of the situation, take the blame off of yourself and others, and begin to think constructively. Talking to a therapist can be a grounding experience. A  neutral third party can direct you towards healthy coping behaviors.

5. Physical or Emotional Distress:

What’s happening? 

This stage of grief can be particularly dangerous to your physical and emotional health. You may feel a sense of hopelessness. Sometimes seeing others around you move on with daily life may make you feel as if nobody cares. You may even experience physical symptoms such as shortness of breath and a tightness of the throat associated with anxiety. While in this stage, you may notice a poor appetite, lack of energy, bad sleeping habits, and digestive problems. 

What can you do? 

Ask someone to check in with you to make sure you are eating, sleeping, exercising, and drinking water. You want to be careful not to neglect your physical health, because that will only make your condition worse. Good sleep, exercise, and diet are amongst the most important things you can be doing to improve their mental health. 

6. Depression:

What’s happening? 

Keep in mind that depression can come hand in hand with the symptoms mentioned in the “physical and emotional distress” stage. Depression resulting from grief is characterized by a sense of unbearable self pity. Despair will take hold and signs of depression may be evident. 

What can you do? 

When you are depressed, make sure you connect with others if you have the slightest thought of self harm or suicide. If this is the case, it would be best to seek help from a qualified third party. Reach out to your primary care provider, or to a psychologist or therapist. 

7. Loss and Loneliness:

What’s happening? 

This is the most painful stage of grief. This stage will often occur 2-4 weeks after the event as the reality of the loss sets in. As you come to terms with the loss, you might see regular problems in your life in a new light. Issues that used to be routine or small can be amplified. For example, someone who has struggled with high cholesterol for years without major complaints might make their high cholesterol into an existential and insurmountable issue without reason. You may also begin to find ways to fill the void that loss and grief has created. Be aware that “filling the void” can be done in both constructive and destructive ways. 

What can you do? 

In this stage, remember your natural networks of support within your community. These can be friends, family, church gatherings, or VA meetings. If you have a history of substance abuse, this is the time to watch for triggers. In the stage of loss and loneliness a relapse is possible in order to “fill the void” with drugs and alcohol.  

8. Withdrawal:

What’s happening? 

Withdrawal is a stage of grief characterized by the complete detachment from regular social ties. At this stage, you may be  tired of explaining their loss to those around them. As a result, you may tend to avoid social interaction and regular community events that you otherwise would enjoy and rely on. 

What can you do? 

You can tell people you do not want to explain or discuss the loss. If you are not ready to engage with others and re-integrate into social life,you should speak with a social worker or therapist. A professional can help you to speak about your feelings on your own terms, and suggest ways for you to engage socially with others when you feel up to it. 

9. Acceptance:

What’s happening? 

This is the final stage of grief. New hope has emerged, replacing hopelessness and prompting constructive behavior. In order to “fill the void,” you might pick up new hobbies, start an activity to honor your loss, or reach out to friends and family. Regardless, you have realized that life goes on and have begun to find joy on your own. 

What can you do? 

Continue with constructive behavior. Redefine your interests and activities that will bring you joy. This might be something as simple as seeing a new movie starring one of your favorite actors. Recognize that it is okay if the experience of grieving has changed you as a person. Welcome those changes and your new outlook on life. 

As you navigate through your grief, don’t forget to think about those that love you and want to offer support. Oftentimes, a loss to you is a loss to them as well. Remember that help is out there, and understand that grief is a natural and temporary response to loss. Qualified professionals such as those at WellQor can help you and your family cope with shared loss. With this in mind, knowing the 9 stages of grief can guide you through helping yourself and others handle loss in a healthy and constructive way. 

About WellQor

WellQor was founded to serve the counseling needs of adults across the country. Through our personalized care and collaborative approach, WellQor’s online therapists help their clients love themselves and live their best lives.

Whether it’s depression, family conflict, anxiety, stress, or grief, our online therapists are specifically trained in, and sympathetic to, the issues you’re facing.

While there are many online therapists, we put our long-term personal relationships with clients at the heart of everything we do so each person feels the esteem and confidence that comes from feeling consistently loved, supported, and valued. Visit wellqor.com/online-therapy to learn more!